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Eulogy

I had to write my own eulogy for my communications class and read it in front of the class. The following is the complete and unedited version that I read in class earlier this evening.

Ronald Alexander Cacace died the way that he spent most of his life; on the toilet. Ronald is survived by his 300 children, 650 great-grandchildren and 450 great-great-grandchildren. Living to the ripe old age of 165 thanks to a strict diet of pretzels and orange juice, Ronald accomplished many things over the course of his unnaturally long lifespan. Rising up out of obscurity when he was only 19 years old, Ronald shocked the world when he achieved a feat that has gone unmatched to this day. Ronald spent two weeks of his life submerged in a tank of milk, and upon exiting the tank, declared that he was no longer lactose intolerant. This was a shock to the world as everyone was used to Ronald complaining about not being able to eat pizza.

After the initial shock washed over the public, Ronald achieved a fame not unlike that of famous cult leader Charles Manson. In an attempt to turn that fame into power, Ronald ran for President of the United States as both a Republican and Democrat, but lost in a landslide victory to Ralph Nader. Realizing that perhaps politics were not meant for him, Ronald became a news correspondent for the OchoCinco News Network (OCNN), reporting on the hard-hitting topics of his day, and is most remembered for his expose on the Robot Slave Traffickers of Japan and the Dolphin Uprising of 2045.

Choosing to retire at the age of 69, Ronald spent the second half of his abnormally long life in seclusion. Tucked away in a mountain stronghold with his 5 wives, Ronald chose to prepare for what he called an “inevitable zombie apocalypse.” As a result, he fathered 300 children, in an attempt to raise an army to prepare for “Z-Day.” Not realizing the effect that having 300 children would have on his checkbook, Ronald decided to abandon the life he started and begin anew. But before any of that could happen, he died while attempting to teach his cat how to use the toilet. Ronald was a truly unique individual and there will never be anyone like him ever again, and if you didn’t know him when he was alive, you missed out, dude.

I went first, and realized afterward that everyone else in the class took their assignment seriously and their eulogies were super depressing to hear.